Comic Relief

Little League World Series to Begin Testing Players For Mustaches

While watching a young mother struggle with her a child at the local pharmacy, Margerie Hempstead respectfully held herself to a disapproving glare instead of explaining the proper way she would raise a child.

$7.98 (+$.13) (+1.66%) Shares jumped after Bank of America marketing researchers finally found some fees their customers love.

Conversation Successfully Completed Without Single Mention Of Netflix Queue

TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just hours before his fight with Kyle Hendrix.

Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you. Tau...

For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me!

CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the pa...

An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to self-medicate against the threat of deadly parasitic wasps.

Ted Kennedy's crying ghost disrupts Congress and a pilot crashes in the Kardashian wilderness, in today's NewsBlitz.

Ducks Only Interested In Area Man's Bread

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven't had nonethnic food in nearly two months.

ABC 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST After a week of cuddling, homework help, and bedtime stories, which child will go back to the orphanage without a rose?

WASHINGTON—According to reports from distressed Capitol Hill sources, members of both houses of Congress were eerily cooperative and agreeable throughout today's legislative session, prompting widespread confusion, fear, and suspicion among politica...

After another bite of sour fish, Doc struggles to hold down the Jeremy Lin trade, Derrick Rose in a gurney, and the wusses on the Mariners.

Arena Sound Guy Given Cousin's Demo To Play During Timeouts

The Week In Pictures

Royal Welcome

'I Killed Myself' One Man's Lost Battle With Alcoholism

Because they cost more than twice their face value between non-cost-effective raw materials and manufacturing expenses, the Obama administration asked Congress for permission to change the metal composition for the nickel and penny.